How do you learn to “live love” and not just think of love as desire and emotion? Television, movies, and your relationships may offer some useful examples, but the media often shows love in ways that are contradictory and limiting. 

Research shows that many young people have difficulty learning how to give and receive love in healthy ways. For me, I often felt pressure to figure relationships out quickly — and “get them right” — to ensure my future happiness and well-being. If I’d known that love is to be practiced, I would have approached the challenge of “living love” differently. I would have started by gathering information and taking intentional, compassionate steps in my relationships. 

Common misconceptions about love

As I reflect on the messages I received about love, there were a few common themes that led to misconceptions and mistakes as I grew into adulthood. In contrast to what research supports as ingredients of healthy relationships, I believed love was about sacrifice, external validation, and conforming to its most commodified and superficial forms. Over time, I learned to accept that I wasn’t learning how to love in a vacuum. Cultural and societal pressures from within and outside my community were playing a role. These macro-level pressures, such as systemic racism, needed attention as much as individual-level factors in my daily life.

Unlearning and relearning how to love

The good news is that with intention, reflection, and practice, you can cultivate the knowledge and skills to approach love with greater purpose and clarity. Research from the American Psychological Association shows that a mindful orientation to life provides a critical foundation for assessing situations, thinking clearly, and making conscious choices in response to people and events around us. 

Young people are vocal about their desire to develop self-awareness and intentionality in how they understand themselves and their relationships with others. Some are exploring love in a mixed-culture family or expanding definitions of love to include queerness. The more you nurture your ability to make mindful choices in relationships, the more successful you will be on your journey towards liberated, healthy connections. 

How do you move toward healthy love?

Integrating intentional practices into your relationships can help you redefine and embody healthy forms of love that support your mental health and well-being. Research shows that a growth mindset toward healthy relationships can increase your sense of relationship satisfaction and support you during typical relationship challenges. Here’s how:

  • Understand what love looks like in action. Begin by familiarizing yourself with a healthy understanding of love that emphasizes the value of care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust, as described by bell hooks. Take time to reflect on each component. Consider what each looks like in action. Building this awareness can help you recognize love’s presence (or absence) in your varied relationships. 
  • Identify your patterns and beliefs about love. Take time to reflect on your current and past relationships. Do you see patterns and beliefs shaping how you experience and practice love? Commit to spending time exploring what you were taught about love from your upbringing or culture. How did what you learned nurture or challenge your beliefs about love? Where do you see opportunities to strengthen your foundation of beliefs supporting healthier relationships? 
  • Align your relationships with the principles of healthy love. Set a mindful intention to practice love as a verb as you seek out its manifestations in your various relationships. You may choose to increase your self-care practices or instead focus on trusting yourself and your intuitions more often. As you set these intentions, you can improve your ability to deepen and enrich relationships in your life.  

We have created a series of three exercises designed to help you explore the theme of love to strengthen your relationships and support your emotional well-being. 

The Takeaway

Love, in its healthiest form, requires intention, reflection, and action. By understanding love’s healthy components, identifying misconceptions, and aligning your relationships with love’s principles, you can cultivate connections that empower, heal, and support your mental health and emotional well-being. Start with these small steps, and let love reach its full potential in your life and the lives of those around you.

References

  1. Office of Population Affairs. (n.d.). Healthy relationships in adolescence. U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. https://opa.hhs.gov/adolescent-health/healthy-relationships-adolescence
  2. Ogolsky, B. G. (Ed.). (2023). The Sociocultural Context of Romantic Relationships. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
  3. Rice, T. M., Jenkins, A. I. C., Smith, S. M., Alexander, C., & McGregor, C. M. (2023). Racial discrimination and romantic relationship dynamics among Black Americans: A systematic review. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 15(4), 793–821. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12535 
  4. Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2012, July/August). What are the benefits of mindfulness. Monitor on Psychology, 43(7), 64. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/mindfulness
  5. Tinder. (2023). Future of dating report 2023. https://filecache.mediaroom.com/mr5mr_tinder/179342/Copy_of_FOD_Report_2023_FINAL.pdf
  6. Weir, K. (2023, June). The science of friendship. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship
  7. Figueroa, J. M., DeLuca Bishop, H. K., & Baker, E. A. (2022). Using a Socio-Ecological Framework to Understand Romantic Relationship Satisfaction Among Emerging Adults During the COVID-19 Pandemic. Emerging adulthood (Print), 10(6), 1561–1573. https://doi.org/10.1177/21676968221124266
  8. Norona, J. C., Roberson, P. N. E., & Welsh, D. P. (2017). “I Learned Things That Make Me Happy, Things That Bring Me Down”: Lessons From Romantic Relationships in Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. Journal of Adolescent Research, 32(2), 155-182. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558415605166

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