Recognizing Healthy Love in Your Life

This is the first in a series of exercises about Healthy Love. After this exercise, try exercise 2 about what you believe about love, and exercise 3 about developing tools for change. 

Have you wondered how to define healthy love and its components in your relationships? Research shows that you’re not alone if you find this introspection and exploration challenging. Studies on healthy relationships can support your efforts to understand what this form of love includes, how it behaves, and how it can support your emotional well-being. Practical skills from research on mindfulness can help you initiate, maintain, and leave relationships based on their healthfulness. 

Let’s begin by examining six components of a healthy relationship and explore how they look, feel, and can be absent through the lens of an example relationship.

An example: Care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust

Aekta is exploring a new relationship with her romantic interest, Melissa, whom she met while running errands. When she thinks about their time getting to know each other, Aekta notices:

1. Feeling valued, supported, and comforted (care)
2. Having a sense of closeness and emotional connection (affection)
3. Owning mistakes and apologies being offered when needed (responsibility)
4. Boundaries being honored (respect)
5. Even during challenges, sharing a sense of being “in it together” (commitment)
6. Having an openness to communication and vulnerability between them (trust)

Aekta feels these are good signs to keep the relationship going and is hopeful about what they represent for their future. 

Like Aekta, you can examine your own relationships to notice healthy or unhealthy components. For example, instead of noticing positive feelings, Aekta could have relationship warning signs from her partner, such as:

• Neglecting her needs or concerns (lack of care)
• Low levels of warmth or emotional connection (affection)
• Tending toward blame or avoiding accountability (lack of responsibility)
• Violations of important boundaries (lack of respect)
• Minimal effort (lack of commitment) 
• Behaviors that reduce emotional safety (lack of trust)

Many relationships, romantic and non-romantic, can have these healthy and unhealthy signs. You may notice them in your relationships with family, friends, and partners, or in your community. 

Skills for observing and describing love

With a solid foundation in the components of healthy love, you can begin building skills in observing and describing how love manifests in your life. The key is to lean into a space of nonjudgment. Start by reviewing nonjudgemental practices and then consider recent interactions with a mindful focus.

1. Acknowledge judgmental thoughts

• Notice a judgmental thought and label it as such. You might say to yourself, “A judgmental thought just popped into my mind.” This can help you to put the thought aside and continue your reflection. 
• Focus on describing facts or feelings without evaluating them as good or bad.
• Write or talk about events or feelings without adding interpretations or assumptions. 
• Pay attention to your judgmental facial expressions, body movements, or tones of voice.
• If you feel judgmental, pause and use ‘willing hands’ to embody a nonjudgmental stance. 
  • If you’re standing: Drop your arms down from your shoulders. Keep them straight or bent slightly at the elbows. With your hands unclenched, turn your hands outward, with your thumbs out to your sides, palms up, and fingers relaxed. 
  • If you’re sitting: Place your hands on your lap or your thighs. With your hands unclenched, turn your hands outward, with your palms up and your fingers relaxed.
  • If you’re lying down: Put your arms by your side, hands unclenched. Turn your palms up with fingers relaxed. Remember, your hands communicate with your brain. Your body connects to your mind. 

2. Mindful observation

• Pick three interactions from the past week, perhaps with a friend, family member, or partner. 
• Write down or talk these out with yourself:
  • What happened? Try to describe the events without judgment.
  • Which components of healthy love were present or absent?
    • Care: Feeling valued, supported, and comforted
    • Affection: Experiencing a sense of closeness and emotional connection
    • Responsibility: Acknowledging and owning mistakes and offering sincere apologies
    • Respect: Honoring boundaries
    • Commitment: Demonstrating a mutual sense of investment
    • Trust: Creating an environment of openness and vulnerability
  • How would this moment change if one or more parts of healthy love were missing or added?
  • How does observing without judgment change how you view these relationship experiences?

Remember, love is not just a feeling. Love is an active practice that grows through intention and attention. Be patient with yourself on this journey, and trust that each step brings you closer to the healthy love you deserve. You are worthy of love that heals, empowers, and connects.

References 

1. Spector, N. (2022, January 4). Are Gen Z more pragmatic about love and sex? BBC Worklife. https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220104-are-gen-z-more-pragmatic-about-love-and-sex
2. Weir, K. (2023, June). The science of friendship. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship
3. Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2012, July/August). What are the benefits of mindfulness? Monitor on Psychology, 43(7), 64. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/mindfulness