Have you ever struggled to communicate your needs without causing tension with someone you love? Mindful communication can be a solution to this common challenge — and help you find a healthy balance between honoring the “me,” the you,” and the “we” in your relationships. 

When conflicts arise, taking mindful action informed by sincere intentions, introspection, and care can help you avoid or manage misunderstandings. This is especially important for young people of color who are also navigating identity-based, social, and cultural stressors. The American Psychological Association points out benefits of mindful communication, including: 

  • Better communication overall
  • Reduced emotional stress during conflicts
  • Greater relationship satisfaction 

DEAR MAN is a tool you can use to support mindful communication in relationships. Mindfulness in communication means expressing your needs in a way that is grounded, gentle, and supported by emotional awareness. 

Let’s look at two examples

  1. Imagine taking a walk. How might you look, feel, and behave? You might imagine your body looks relaxed, you are deeply aware of your surroundings, and you feel a sense of calm. The good news is that you can experience this sense of calm in everyday activities, like eating, resting, or even talking to someone you love. That’s because mindfulness is a skill that can be practiced until it feels comfortable. 
  2. Imagine you’re experiencing frequent hurt feelings when a friend cancels events you’ve planned together. It would be natural to have some concerns for the health of the relationship if you choose to address these feelings. How would you communicate your feelings effectively without “ruining” the relationship? Does your friend have enough respect or care in the relationship to want to gain clarity and deepen your friendship? 

Here’s how DEAR MAN can help

DEAR MAN is an acronym that can remind you of healthy ways to approach conversations with others.

  • D – Describe: Start by describing the situation clearly and factually without judgment. For example: “I noticed that when we make plans, they sometimes get canceled at the last minute.”
  • E – Express: Share your feelings and thoughts about the situation. For example: “I feel hurt when this happens because I value our time together.”
  • A – Assert: Clearly ask for what you need. For example: “I’d like us to discuss plans ahead of time to avoid cancellations.”
  • R – Reinforce: Explain how meeting your request benefits both of you. For example: “This way, we’ll both know what to expect and can enjoy our time more.”
  • M – Stay Mindful: Stay focused on your goal and try to avoid distractions that may show up, like defensiveness, an urge to shut down, or intense emotions that affect your gentle communication. 
  • A – Appear Confident: Use a calm tone and maintain comfortable eye contact.
  • N – Negotiate: Be willing to compromise if needed. For example: “What changes can we make to help this work for both of us?”

Start by grounding yourself

Before using DEAR MAN with your connection, take some time to soothe and ground yourself. This moment of pause can increase your ability to communicate mindfully. Here are a few ways to ground yourself: 

  • Name all the objects you see in the space around you.
  • Describe the steps in performing an activity you know how to do well. 
  • Count backwards from 100 by 7.
  • Pick up an object and describe it in detail.
  • Spell your full name, and the names of three other people, backward.
  • Think of an object and “draw” it in your mind or the air with your finger. 

Take time to reflect and then take a mindful action

  1. Think about a time when you struggled to express your feelings in a relationship. How might using DEAR MAN have changed the outcome?
  2. Write a DEAR MAN script for a current or past situation in which you’ve struggled to communicate your needs. Practice saying it aloud to yourself or a trusted person. 
  3. Set an intention to use DEAR MAN in the next situation that requires you to express your needs.

References: 

  1. Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2012, July/August). What are the benefits of mindfulness? Monitor on Psychology, 43(7), 64. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/mindfulness
  2. Ogolsky, B. G. (Ed.). (2023). The Sociocultural Context of Romantic Relationships. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
  3. Cahn, D. D., & Abigail, R. A. (2013). Managing Conflict through Communication (5th ed). Pearson Education Limited.
  4. Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training handouts and worksheets (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
  5. Koniver L. (2023). Practical applications of grounding to support health. Biomedical Journal, 46(1), 41–47. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bj.2022.12.001
  6. Don, B. P. (2019). Mindfulness predicts growth beliefs and positive outcomes in social relationships. Self and Identity, 19(3), 272–292. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2019.1571526

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