What Do You Believe About Love?

This is the second in a series of exercises about Healthy Love. If you haven’t already, try exercise 1 about recognizing healthy love’s components in your life. After the exercise below, try exercise 3 to journal and reflect on actions you can take to support healthy relationships. 

Research shows that young people are already thoughtful and informed about connecting and maintaining relationships of all types. This exercise is intended to help you explore messages about love that you may have heard and internalized. In what’s known as relationship science, researchers have shown that most people have a “destiny belief” or “growth belief” about relationships. These beliefs can impact how you initiate and maintain connections — and your chances of success in them. 

By the end of this exercise, we hope you will:

• Develop a better understanding of which belief you lean toward, and its connection to how you feel about your relationships. 
• Gain a sense of growth-minded focus areas you can pay attention to in your relationships. 

Taken together, this work can support you as you create healthy relationships that support your mental health and emotional well-being. 

How it works

Read and respond to the questions below. Keep track of your answers on your phone or on a piece of paper. Then, follow the instructions to score your answers.

Step 1: Destiny or growth?

1. My partner and I were either destined to be together or not. ☐Agree ☐Disagree
2. Challenges in relationships can make them stronger. ☐Agree ☐Disagree
3. A successful relationship depends on finding the right person. ☐Agree ☐Disagree
4. Effort and communication maintain a strong relationship. ☐Agree ☐Disagree
5. If a relationship requires hard work, it wasn’t meant to be. ☐Agree ☐Disagree
6. Relationships evolve and improve over time with effort. ☐Agree ☐Disagree

Scoring 

• For Destiny Beliefs: Count the number of Agree responses for A, C, and E.
  Total Destiny Score: ____ (out of 3)

• For Growth Beliefs: Count the number of Agree responses for B, D, and F.
  Total Growth Score: ____ (out of 3)

What do your answers suggest?

• If your Destiny Beliefs score is higher: This suggests that you lean toward a destiny mindset. Strong beliefs in this mindset can lead to viewing common relationship stressors as a clue the connection may be challenging. These beliefs can contribute to lower levels of relationship satisfaction and commitment. 
• If your Growth Beliefs score is higher: This suggests you lean toward a growth mindset. Strong beliefs in this mindset can lead to more willingness to cope with relationship stressors and reduce the impacts of conflict. These beliefs can support you in trusting that most relationships can evolve for the better and that effort is critical for relationship satisfaction. 
• If your scores are about the same, this suggests you hold mixed beliefs in your relationships. 

Step 2: Reflect on your mindset

Take some time to consider how your mindset shapes your view on relationships.

• Do your answers lean more toward destiny or growth beliefs? Why do you think that is?
• How have these beliefs shaped your experiences in past or current relationships?
• Can you think of a time when a growth-oriented mindset helped you overcome a relationship challenge?
• Are there any beliefs you checked “Agree” for that you think might hold you back in relationships?

Step 3: Putting a growth mindset to work

A growth mindset in relationships can lead to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that increase your satisfaction with a relationship and support mindful choices in response to stressors. Consider these examples of growth-minded behaviors in relationship moments, and select a few to practice with those you love.

• Embrace challenges as growth opportunities: This can include viewing conflict as a chance to understand your connection better or as a regular part of a healthy connection.
• Practice mindful habits: These can include making an effort to be in the present moment while together, listening to each other with curiosity before judgment, or paying close attention to your own thoughts and emotions while spending time together.
• Encourage personal and mutual growth: This can include supporting a loved one in the pursuit of their goals, focusing on your own self-improvement goals, or celebrating small signs of progress.
• Nurture emotional resilience: This can include responding to relationship setbacks with patience, leaning into self-compassion during hard moments, or avoiding harsh criticism of each other when mistakes are made.

As you explore how your mindset influences your relationships, you’re taking steps toward embracing love that is empowering, affirming, and healthy. This exercise can be a guide to helping you let go of what holds you back and lean into the kind of love that can support your mental health and emotional well-being for a lifetime.

References

1. Spector, N. (2022, January 4). Are Gen Z more pragmatic about love and sex? BBC Worklife. https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220104-are-gen-z-more-pragmatic-about-love-and-sex
2. Tinder. (2023). Future of dating report 2023. https://filecache.mediaroom.com/mr5mr_tinder/179342/Copy_of_FOD_Report_2023_FINAL.pdf
3. Figueroa, J. M., DeLuca Bishop, H. K., & Baker, E. A. (2022). Using a Socio-Ecological Framework to Understand Romantic Relationship Satisfaction Among Emerging Adults During the COVID-19 Pandemic. Emerging adulthood (Print), 10(6), 1561–1573. https://doi.org/10.1177/21676968221124266
4. Norona, J. C., Roberson, P. N. E., & Welsh, D. P. (2017). “I Learned Things That Make Me Happy, Things That Bring Me Down”: Lessons From Romantic Relationships in Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. Journal of Adolescent Research, 32(2), 155-182. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558415605166
5. Don, B. P. (2019). Mindfulness predicts growth beliefs and positive outcomes in social relationships. Self and Identity, 19(3), 272–292. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2019.1571526