“Children learn what they live.” – Dorothy Law Nolte
Emotion regulation is the ability to manage one’s emotional experiences in healthy and effective ways. Adaptive emotion regulation can be defined as “the awareness of personal emotional experiences, the ability to accurately recognize one’s own emotions, and the capacity to modulate emotional responses in accordance with situational demands or individual goals.” (See Sage Journal)
Simply put: Adaptive emotion regulation is the skill of managing your emotions so they work for you and not against you. This requires having an awareness of your emotions as they are happening, accurately recognizing and putting a name to them, and choosing a response that is both appropriate to the situation and that helps achieve your goals.
What does the research say?
Researchers have found that parents’ capacity for adaptive emotion regulation, especially when they are upset or angry, is an important parenting skill. Children learn how to navigate their emotions by observing the adults in their lives. The way a parent or caregiver handles stress, expresses frustration, and seeks support provides a powerful real-time lesson in emotional regulation and resilience.
Three ways for parents and caregivers to model mental wellness strategies
1. Invite open discussion
Parents can communicate that their child’s feelings are valuable and deserve respect by discussing the importance of mental health. Talking about feelings openly helps normalize the experience of having feelings, including uncomfortable emotions like sadness, anger, and anxiety, as a healthy part of being human.
Parents and caregivers can also communicate that emotional well-being is a priority, in the same way that physical safety and well-being are important. This openness to discussion has significant implications for the development of children’s self-esteem and the types of relationships they gravitate toward as an adult.
2. Let them “overhear” your healthy self-talk
Find opportunities to speak your internal dialogue aloud so that your child understands what healthy, compassionate self-talk sounds like.
Examples:
- “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now and I’m feeling overwhelmed, but I know I’m doing the best. I can be proud of who I am.”
- “I’m feeling nervous about this job interview, but I’m excited at the same time. Having a mix of emotions is normal and I’m going to be okay.”
3. Model healthy strategies to stay calm when frustrated
Aim to be an underreactor rather than an overreactor to the daily challenges and frustrations of life. Let your child know that you are intentionally working on dialing down your response as a way of maintaining your cool and balancing your emotions.
Example:
- You and your child are in the car. You were running late and now the traffic has grown worse. Internally, you are feeling frustrated, impatient, tense, and anxious. However, you also recognize that this is an opportunity to demonstrate coping skills in action. You let your child know how the situation makes you feel by acknowledging and naming your emotions out loud, then take a deep breath and tell your child you are going to choose to look on the bright side. This is an opportunity for you to spend more time together, and listen to music that you and your child both enjoy.
The Takeaway
When parents model emotional wellness by effectively managing their own emotions and using coping skills, they teach their children a powerful lesson about resilience in real time. By openly discussing feelings, modeling healthy self-talk, and demonstrating calm reactions to daily frustrations, caregivers provide a real-world guide for children to understand and navigate their own emotional well-being.
Learn more and download our Healthy Habits Guides and Workbooks
- Healthy Habits Mini Workbook. Learn how to prioritize emotional well-being and embed healthy mental habits into daily life to set a strong example for your young people.
- Built to Thrive Full Workbook. The Healthy Habits workbook is part of Built to Thrive, an interactive workbook created by The Steve Fund.
- Leading by Example: A Parent & Caregiver Guide to Modeling Positive Mental Health. Explore five strategies for parents and caregivers to model positive mental health.
Explore all THRIVE toolkits:
References:
- Psychology Today. Emotional Regulation
- Zimmer-Gembeck, Rudolph, Kerin, Bohadana-Brown, 2022. Parent emotional regulation: A meta-analytic review of its association with parenting and child adjustment
- Weir, 2023. How to help kids understand and manage their emotions
